Paralyzed

Whenever I try to describe to people what I’m feeling right now, I can’t stop saying that I’m paralyzed with fear. It’s true, though. I cannot function. At least half the days of the week, I’m unable to leave my apartment. I put off running errands because I know it’s going to be too much social interaction. I avoid the phone unless it’s absolutely necessary.

I listen to podcasts in order to remember how people have normal conversations. I can add stuff to what they’re saying, but since it’s a recording and they have no idea who I am, I don’t have to worry about them rejecting my ideas. On good days, I try to go out and do political canvassing because I’m super pro-Claire McCaskill and really need Todd Akin not to get elected, so I feel like I need to volunteer for her campaign. However, that requires me to go door-to-door and knock on the doors of strangers. Every time I do it, it sets me back a week. I keep trying to tell myself that I need to do my part to help out and there’s less than a week left. I’m supposed to go tomorrow and I just don’t see how I’m going to be able to do it.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I have to go home. I’m kind of completely dreading it. Thanksgiving typically means huge family gatherings and great food, which I normally love. My family is amazing and I love spending time with them. This year, though, I don’t see how I can possibly handle it. All those people surrounding me, asking what I’m doing now, offering well-meaning advice that really just makes me feel like a complete fucking failure. The thought of it makes me want to hyperventilate and burst into tears. I have to go through two dinners in one day, one for my family and one for my fiance’s. I just know it’s going to set me back so far.

I’m literally terrified of social interaction more days than not. Yesterday, I managed to hold it together enough to hang out with people for Halloween. I had a good time, which was a huge accomplishment. Today, I was even able to go ask for a job application and call a stranger to try to set up an appointment. I have another appointment with my new psychiatrist a week from Monday and I know my anxiety is getting out of control. I’ve always been anxious, but it’s only been the past couple months where it’s literally preventing me from leaving my apartment. At first, I thought I was just tired and didn’t want to go do things, but that’s not true. I used to try to find things to do outside the apartment and keep me occupied. Now, waking up and functioning is a chore and it terrifies me. I know that most of it is that I’m incredibly depressed and have been for at least three months now. It’s just getting worse than it’s ever been before and I don’t know how to fix it.

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